There's a New Girl

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

There's a New Girl

I need advice.
Someone to relate to.
Someone to tell me my feelings are legit. 

There’s a new girl.

Which honestly, I am SO excited about.
During Christmas I had to experience my child hold on to her carseat for dear life because she refused to get out of the car and go to her Dad’s.  I sat there trying to console her and tell her it would only be for one night.  When her Dad got her out of her seat she hit him and told him she hated him.
I can’t even describe the feeling that came over my body.  I was stiff.  Scared.  Shocked.  I hurt for her so much.
She has struggled so much with going there.
Maybe it was because of the holidays and not being on our normal schedule. 
Regardless, it was sad.
I prayed so hard for this issue to end.  For love and happiness and the will to want to go there to come.
Fast forward two weeks.
I head over to pick up my children and notice a car parked out front of his house.
Didn’t think anything of it; honestly I assumed it was someone at the neighbor’s house.
I did my usual, knock twice and walk right now.
Stella came running down the hallway, happy as can be.
And then came some unfamiliar footsteps.
A woman.
A quick, “Cassie this is so and so,” is all that was spoken.
I reached out my hand and said nice to meet you.
In return I got a very soft tip of the hand handshake.
And I am a freak about handshakes.
They say SO much about a person.
A firm handshake is key.  I am weird and really never forget how a person shakes hands.
But anyways.  Stella was happy.  Henry was happy.  That house felt happy.
And I left there feeling happy too.
I felt it was the answer to my prayers!!
I gave it about a day or so and I texted my ex and asked for a bit more info on the new girl.
How long they had known each other, how he decided it was time for her to meet the kids, etc.
It was clearly stated that she is just a friend, and a bit of information was exchanged on her.
Nothing else more.
All I know is they met New Years Day, and she met my kids less than ten days later.

It’s been a month since I met her.
My kids enjoy her; talk nothing but highly of her and that’s amazing.
But I want to know more.
An early 30s woman, who meets a man the beginning of January, agrees to meet his kids around one week later dating, and from what I see, is there a good majority of the time.
Everytime my kids are there, she is there.
Again, which helps tremendously with the struggle of my kids going there.  Which I am grateful for.
I have asked my ex for her phone number.  I do not need to know her every move.
I just want to know more about the person who is QUICKLY becoming a part of my children’s lives.

Does she want kids and marriage ASAP?
I know as a 28 year old the want to be married and have more children is strong.  I can only believe the want for a 30 something is even stronger.  But maybe not.  Again, just a question I have.  And I feel I have the right to know.

Just a reminder this has happened before.  One month after our divorce was final a girl and her child were introduced to my children.  She was around a handful of times; and then BAM, gone.  And S&H never saw her or her son again.
Who is left to answer the questions?  Me.  And I can’t answer them.
Sure they are young and now if I brought up the old girls name they may not remember.
But it’s not healthy.
Trust me I pray on a daily basis for whatever is going on to stay.  To be a positive step forward.
But I deserve to know more about her.

It took me almost a YEAR to let Jon even drive my children somewhere without me.  To pick them up from the baby sitters.  To leave them home alone with him.
One – it’s not his job to have to watch them, care for them, entertain them.
And two – I felt guilty.
I wanted to make sure 100% my children were comfortable with him and ok with the new change that was brought into their lives and that he was 100% comfortable as well.  He has never been married and has never had kids.  This was a WHOLE NEW WORLD for him as well.

And for a woman who has known them for one month to be put into that same situation is not fair.  And scary coming from the mom; because I don’t know the type of person she is.
Kids are hard.  Stressful.  Messy.  Wild.  And for someone who has spent over 30 years not used to that; and then being put into that situation in less than a month’s time.  HOLY SMOKES!

So, like I said, I have asked for her phone number and was told that’s not ever going to happen.
I try to create small talk when I am there to pick up my children and it’s cut off by my ex.
What do I do?

Do I reach out via FB and see if I can get to know her.  And then look like a creep because I looked her up on FB?
Do I tell her how I have asked my ex for more info on her and he refuses so now I have to go behind his back?
I just feel like I can’t find the right, mature, adult way of going about this.
One – because I have never had to.

Some might say to maybe mimic how it went between Jon and my ex.  Truth is, Jon is a wall to my ex.
90% of the time my ex acts like Jon doesn’t even exist.
It’s so sad.

Ugh – maybe just getting it off my chest has helped.

I am going to continue down the road that my kids are enjoying her company, she loves doing Stella’s hair, and everyone seems happier.  But the mom in me needs to know the real emotions.


The Pink Growl said...

Oh girl! I'm so sorry. I can feel the frustration from your words. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you, especially knowing all that you have been through. I say, try to keep your cool for now. Maybe things will fizzle out quickly, like before. I think if a couple more weeks go by then you might need to have a more firm convo with the ex about this is how I'm going to handle this. You do deserve to know more I think! XOXO Praying for you and patience & peace during this situation!

Brandy said...

Oh gosh! Praying for your situation. I can't speak to what you should do, but I can tell from your words that you are an awesome mom who wants her kids to be safe and happy. Stay strong.

Christi said...

I see no one has commented because this is a hard situation. I am currently in your shoes. If you would like to e-mail me I can let you know how I am handling the situation and give you a little insight.

Shannon Snodgrass said...

Cassie, your feelings are all 100% normal. You're momma bear protecting your cubs.

First, I don't thing it's right that he introduced them so soon. He doesn't know her well enough to know if he even likes her. I think it's selfish on his part. Why? Because if the kids just love her and he decides he's done with her, they are the ones the suffer. It's just another day for him. I just believe his choices are not the greatest here. Those 2 little people come first.... should come first but it doesn't seem that that is always the case when it comes to their father and his current love interest.

Second, I don't think you should worry yourself with ALL the details of whether she wants kids, marriage... etc. You will drive yourself crazy with it. All of those answers will come if they stay together. Your main concerns right now should be, is she safe, is she great to your kids and by all means, if she's going to be a part of their lives, address and phone number please and thank you! I had absolutely ZERO issue providing these and many more answers to my husbands ex when we were dating and the boys starting coming over to my house.

Don't give in on learning more of her if she's going to be around. Your children and their safety, happiness and well being are top priority no matter what. Try engaging her again and by all means, let the ex know that it is your responsibility as their mother to know who she is if he's going to have her around them. "Not ever going to happen" is just not acceptable so guess what, it will happen and you'll make it happen because that is what a mom does! Good luck, XOXO

Adrien said...

You know that I have no experience here, but...I just have to say that I absolutely think your feelings are valid and you don't sound unreasonable at all. You said that you can't seem to find the right, mature, adult way to handle it...but I think you ARE doing your part to handle it maturely. I honestly don't know what more you can do. You can't change someone's heart and motives but you can certainly pray for them and pray that something happens to make them WANT to change. I will definitely be praying for this situation for you - love you, friend!

Anonymous said...

Love you daughter and I am proud of you for being so brave.

Love MOM

Tamara said...

Ugh, what a sticky situation! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I obviously have no experience with anything like this, so my advice might be worthless... but I would try engaging her more. You're obviously very excited she is around and that your kids love her, so I'd tell her that. If you make an effort, I bet she will too! You have every right to know who is around your children. Keep us updated on how this goes!