The Struggle Bus

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Struggle Bus

i have some major issues.
up to recently being divorced hasn't hit me too hard.
sure there's daily struggles, issues, etc.
when stella started school i had a few issues, but nothing that really took a toll on me.
i do remember going to an event this summer at her school, a church school, and walking around with the kids by myself.  which was hard.
but for some reason now that my kids are in sports - things are hitting me like a TON of bricks.
and i can't stop thinking about it.
let's start mostly with stella's soccer practices.
i am, 90% of the time, the ONLY parent there without a spouse.
the ONLY.
the husbands stand together and talk.
the wives stand together and talk.
i sit and talk to henry.
or chase him around on the playground.
oh wait - which  makes me feel like a HORRIBLE parent too because i'm not watching my child practice.  i am trying to entertain the other child who really doesn't want to be there at all.
so yeah - what do i do?
do i sit there with my child, talking to no one, being the ONLY divorced parent.
which makes me feel even more singled out.
or do i become the ONLY parent who isn't 'watching' their child practice and running around with their other child on the playground.

and then there's henry's practices.
where he sits and cries.
and i'm there, wanting to console him, but wanting SO BAD for him to have a parent who is stern with him and will get him out there.
which moms have a hard time with.
sure there's jon, but even he is timid to get out there and say no buddy, let's do this.
because in all honesty, that's not his job.
and he's not comfortable with taking that responsibility.
and i totally and completely get that.
i am out there, when i want to just say, go buddy, but then he sits there and cries, people stare, i go back out there, while stella wants to be out there with me too because she is bored no one is with her, and then we just have ourselves a big ole walter party right out there on the field.
with kids hanging on me, kids crying, and arrows pointing right at us saying look, look, hot mess express.
oh and yes, i'm the only divorced parent on his team too.

and then this past weekend S&H had a birthday party.
their dad was nice and let me pick them up and take them to the party.
but they needed to be home by a certain time because they had other things to do.
the parents at the birthday party insisted jon and i come back and enjoy ourselves later that night.
but i just couldn't.
it made me feel like a HORRIBLE parent.
like a part-time parent.
and i'm not.
but people don't see that.
oh they left.
wait - they are back - where are their kids?
did they take their kids home so they could come back and drink?
NO!  ahhhhh.
ugh - i care WAY too much.

i am just struggling lately.
let go and let god.
i have been trying SO hard to keep that in mind lately.
but i just feel SO singled out.

even when it comes to having "couple" friends too.
lately everyone is busy, and i get that.  or you have those friends who were friends of yours when you were married and maybe aren't comfortable going out with you now that your not married and they knew your spouse or were friends or whatever.  and it just hurts.  it has almost been two years.

whew - so yeah the struggle bus has been parked out front of my house for awhile.
i am not asking for reassurance, and i know i am over thinking SO much of this.
but just do me a favor and don't for a second judge a single parent.
you honestly - have no idea.


Tamara said...

I feel ya, girl. My "third" anniversary would be tomorrow. All of my friends are married or are in serious long term relationships, so I definitely feel like the odd one out.

Anonymous said...

Single parent here for a long long time. And I don't usually comment on blogs but this one hit close to home. Let me start by saying, things could be worse. At least your kids have their health and your biggest worry for them personally is how well they participate in sports. First world problems right? I have them too. It would take a lot of worry off of your plate if you let the kid that doesn't want to play sports stop playing them. Forcing them is only making it harder on both of you. Not every kid is cut out for it. And you will find some friends that will help you fit in to the divorced life. It does take time. Took me years to do that, but as much as they could come up and talk to you, you could go up and talk to them as well. Put yourself out there. You seem to be a very friendly and outgoing person on your blog. I'm sure you have no problem making friends. Good luck!

Ellen (sorry, don't have a blog)

Cassie said...

Thank you Ellen - great points! I do need to note that I am by no means forcing him to play. He plays ALL the time at home, he just takes a good 30 minutes to warm up at soccer and by the last 10 minutes of practice he wants to play. So he wants to play, he is just my shy kid. But yes, it will come. If anything, this was an eye opener for me that he is not ready for school. He is three, and old enough to go, however he would be the youngest in his class and that is hard for boys. Seeing how he is with soccer makes me very happy that he did not start school this year. BUT makes me timid because he is just a shy kid. And that plays a huge factor.

Anonymous said...

Ah, see that. The silver lining. Good girl.


Amanda aka Manda said...

I've been on the struggle bus too lately, but for different reasons. I hate that you feel that way though. My sister struggles with the same problems. Just know that you are an amazing mom, doing the best you can and that's all that matters!!

Beth said...

I have no words of advice or experience to offer, but just letting you know I'm thinking about you...

Sarah said...

Awe, Cass. Big hugs!! I know you know this... But you really do worry too much. You are happy. I KNOW you are. And so is S&H. Focus on that. Not what you 'think' people are thinking. You are strong. A great mom. And kind. Give yourself a little more credit ;)

And I know we don't have the same situation. But when I am in public... 90% of the time without Trav... I feel like that. The Roscow Hot Mess
Express. Keeping 3 toddlers under control is nearly impossible & extremely overwhelming. I can only imagine what people are thinking when they see me. Judging my parenting skills. But I don't care. Because I know that I love those boys more than anything in the world. And they love me. THAT is all that matters.

And remember. When the grass looks greener on the other side. It is most likely fertilized in bullshit. LOL