Scary Mommy

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Scary Mommy

i'm a little bit obsessed with this site
the blog posts.  the confessions.
OH the confessions.  it's like post secret, but all day, every day.  and if you're a mom you can just about relate to everything you read.
yesterday i posted on sarah's fb wall the Mother-In-Law Prenup.
you know for mom's with boys who they love and can't imagine some other girl taking from them one day.  oh it's too much.  here's a taste:

Let’s be honest: he may be 5 now, but before we know it, he’ll be shaving, and driving, and then he’ll leave us to go to college somewhere cold. Then he’ll get married and move to be near her mother, because that’s what girls make boys do: move near their mothers! Then he’ll be a father, and then one fine holiday he’ll have “wifey” call us to cancel our plans. Then he’ll try to make up for it by sending one of those Harry & David gift baskets filled with pears, because he’ll remember that we love pears, but they’ll be bruised — like our hearts!
No, we can’t go down that road. We have to take a stand against son stealing right now.
oh i die!  too funny.
since i know most of my readers are moms - i had to share this one.  enjoy!

As we women become mothers, a few things change in our appearance. These things may be subtle, but they can help you easily identify a fellow mother when you are out in public and need to borrow a diaper, a wet wipe, juice box, or shoulder to lose your shit on…
The Hair: A mommy’s hair comes in many forms, from perfectly coiffed and colored ‘dos, to ponytails with three-inch long roots. The tie that binds all mommies together is the sticky quotient. Somehow, every mommy’s hair has a certain There’s-Something-About-Mary factor that is unexplainable. A goo that once was a child-induced slime somehow makes its way into mommy’s hair and hardens into a stiff style. Is that yogurt, applesauce, finger paint, glue, snot? How did it get here and why won’t it comb out, no matter what you do? Yogurt fingers strike again.
The Makeup: As hard as a mommy tries, it is impossible to get her makeup perfect after having children. Many culprits can lead to the end problem, including:
• Not noticing the mascara that has smeared all the way to your top lid/lipstick on your teeth because you applied it while trying to brush your kid’s teeth, comb your hair and do your taxes, all at the same time.
• Refusing to apply powder in the morning because your toddler decided that your makeup brush was the perfect thing to use to fish her Cheerios out of the toilet (why on earth where there Cheerios in the toilet in the first place?)
Running out of the house and forgetting makeup altogether after a morning filled with spilled cereal, hissy fits, diaper explosions and debauchery.

• What, is there something in my teeth? 
The Clothes (Fit): Most mommies can usually be seen wearing clothes that are either too small or too big for them. This isn’t out of laziness. There are many phases of mommyhood that necessitate these fashion faux pas, including:
• I just had a baby and haven’t lost the weight yet. (Too small)
• I had a baby a year ago and haven’t realized I lost the weight yet. (Too Big)
• I am between babies and know I will blow up like tank again, so I am not buying new clothes until I am done having kids. (Too small/too big)
• I am pregnant with my second baby and not ready to face the hell that is maternity fashion again yet. (Too small)
• I chase after a fire-breathing toddler all day and do not give a shit what my clothes fit like. What the fuck is it to you?
• Rinse, repeat until childbearing years are over/your kids leave the house and you finally have the time/money to care about your looks again. Warning: by then, everything will have moved south and you will need a new plan of action.
The Clothes (Look): Try as us mommies might, we just aren’t the fashion horses we once were. Whether we are stuck donning last decade’s styles because we would rather our kid rock the latest looks than ourselves, or we are sporting a white snot stain on the hem/neckline of our new black dress, we are just not cut out for the fashion big leagues anymore. Add to that the chicken wings and donut belly that often linger after pregnancy, and you have a recipe for mopey mommy looks. But, I have noticed moms of today seem to be giving the big finger to mom jeans and rocking the best looks they can while toting a drooling, screaming, poop machine. Carry on, sexy mamas, carry on!
The Purse: Mommy purses are the motherload of all purses. No tiny clutch or wristlet can haul the heavy load a mommy must carry. Diaper wipes, pacifiers, baby aspirin, snacks, juice boxes, you name it, and it is in there. The purse of a mommy is large and in charge. You non-mommies mock until you spill coffee on your new blouse. Then who do you come running to in search of a wet wipe? That’s right. Mommy. That’s who. Would you also like some goldfish crackers with that? You are acting a little crabby so you must be hungry. 
The Shoes: Mommy shoes are often more utilitarian than high fashion. You try chasing a screaming 20-month-old through Target in four-inch Manolos. Yeah, who is laughing at my Chuck Taylors now? I didn’t think so.

seriously - spot on.  need a good laugh.  check out this site.
oh and anyone getting ready to have a baby?  read this.  so true.  i cry laughing every time!

happy thursday!!



Helene said...

hahaha oh man that is hilarious!

Sarah said...

Sister, I am DYING over here. Seriously in tears! This entire post explains me to a T. I own that shit, bahaha. Thanks again for the laughs, the crying til it hurts laughs :)

Shannon Snodgrass said...

Absolutely hilarious!! I made the comment the other day, when did I become a human kleenex? When I became a mom, that's when! I have goldfish crackers on hand 24/7! I seriously need new clothes! And last but certainly not least, a part of me D.I.E.D. when Victoria proceeded to clean the toilet with my fav makeup brush! Nooooooo she didn't!! Oh yes she did :(((

Adrien said...

Yup. :)

It's all TRUE! Every bit of it. That's why we're all just a little bit InSaNe in the membrane. Haha.

Laura said...

As a mother of boys (at least as of now) this posting hits home. I dread the day my boys move out & get married. There is just something about that mother/daughter relationship that I know I will miss if I don't ever get a girl. I can only hope that the girls the boys decide to marry aren't complete douches.
But I did laugh at the rest of the post. So true. & love LOVE the 9 things you don't need. So SO true!